Animal Alpha - You Pay For The Whole Seat, But You'll Only Need The Edge

by Pete Charles

Norwegian crud

"As far as Scandinavian exports go, death metal and roll mop herring are consistently good. Everything else, including this dull nine-track effort, is consistently average."

OK, so ‘You Pay For The Whole Seat But You’ll Only Need The Edge’ is the best album title we’ve heard in a while, but aside from a mere handful of perks, New Noise is content to slink back into that seat and clock-watch until this drab charade of nu-metal wankery abates. Trouble is, nu-metal is no longer “nu”; both revered and reviled in equal proportions for most of 2000, it’s a genre that has even less relevance in contemporary music than it did eight years ago. It was a stigma that proved to be a death sentence for bands like Linkin Park, Alien Ant Farm and Limp Bizkit. If it were still around, it would have the same effect on Norway’s Animal Alpha.

Their peroxide blonde singer Agnete Maria Kjølsrud looks like Cruella de Vil and sounds like that annoying fag-hag off Will & Grace. Yeah, the one with the voice that makes you want to hack your own ears off. The riffs recall a heavier Evanescence or Lacuna Coil, which is all well and good for fans of gothic rock bands with cute singers (as, we are sure, everyone is), but the music of Animal Alpha comes across here as hugely superficial and dated. ‘Pin You All’ is the best of a bad bunch of songs, and although the chorus sounds like something off Jane’s Addiction’s ‘Ritual De Lo Habitual’ album (a Good Thing, of course), the ridiculously high register of Kjølsrud’s voice grates against the inside of your skull like an absinthe hangover.

By the third track, we know what to expect; polished, heavy riffs, melodic vocals, but totally devoid of depth, invention or originality. Attempts at soft rock brooders such as ‘In The Barn’ also fall flat on their face. We’ll give them a few points for a resounding chorus on ‘Master Of Disguise’ and some kick-ass riffing on ‘Fire! Fire! Fire!’ but aside from that, it’s difficult to find any highlights.

So in summary, we’ve learnt nothing here, except what we already know: that as far as Scandinavian exports go, death metal and roll mop herring are consistently good. Everything else, including this dull nine-track effort, is consistently average.
Moderate Rock said on May 15th 2008 [report abuse]

Apart from your comment about nu-metal being a death sentence for Linkin Park and Limp Bizkit (last time i checked Fred Durst owned a record label and Linkin Park were still selling millions of albums), a pretty well-written review sir.

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